Stay Calm & Humble: Lessons in Leadership

When asked what skills define a strong leader, the usual suspects quickly come to mind: good communicator, problem solver, adaptable, creative, strong decision-maker, and so on. These are undeniably important. But there’s one skill that often goes unmentioned—and, in my opinion, it’s the most critical of all. Let’s talk about it.

I’ve often said that my leadership skills have never been tested quite like they have in the toughest role of my life: motherhood. It is not for the faint of heart. Motherhood brings out a primal, gut-wrenching drive to protect your children at all costs. The fear of not being in control of their safety and well-being is unfathomable. And when that illusion of control shatters, even momentarily, it’s terrifying.

But it’s not just fear that tests your rational mind. It’s the constant emotional balancing act. Imagine pouring time, energy, money, and love into someone every single day, only for them to zero in on the one thing you forgot to do. Gratitude? Rarely. Requests for more? Always. And just when your patience is hanging by a thread, they know exactly how to push you over the edge. Case in point: the time my child erupted into a full-blown meltdown because I accidentally flushed their poop down the toilet. (Yes, that really happened.)

Have you guessed the skill yet? It’s self-regulation—the ability to stay calm, present, and composed when everything around you is chaos. Sure, patience plays a role, but self-regulation goes beyond that. It’s about managing your emotions in the moment, staying grounded, and prioritizing the needs of others (aka your “toddler team”) even when your own nerves are fried. Imagine not reacting when your 3 year old is literally stomping, crying and screaming at you because “you took their right away” when you flushed the toilet after helping them wipe for the 4th time that day. Deep Breaths…. Deep Breaths…

Here’s the catch: self-regulation is a 24/7 job. And let’s be real—we don’t always get it right. Sometimes we lose it. We get flooded with frustration, we over react, and we feel horrible afterward. Which brings me to the second underrated leadership skill: humility.

If there’s one thing kids will teach you, it’s humility. Remember that fear I mentioned about not wanting anything to happen to my children? That’s the same gut-wrenching feeling I get when I realize I’ve said or done something that might have hurt them emotionally. I’m constantly worried about the potential long-term impact of my actions (too many psych degrees). But what I’ve learned is that the best way to repair those moments is through authenticity and humility. 

Here’s how it usually plays out: after I lose my cool, I take some time to re-regulate. For me, that might mean stepping away to exercise, listening to music, angrily cleaning (anyone else?), or just screaming into the void. Once I’ve calmed down, I sit with my child, apologize sincerely, and explain what happened. I’ll say something like, “I was feeling really overwhelmed, and my body got flooded with emotions I couldn’t manage. I’m sorry for yelling, and I’m working on doing better.”

It’s not easy, but it’s necessary. Modeling self-regulation for my kids starts with holding myself accountable to the practice of it in its’ entirety. And that lesson has transformed the way I lead in the workplace as well.

In the workplace, self-regulation and humility are essential traits for effective leadership. Leaders who practice self-regulation can manage their emotions during high-pressure situations, enabling them to remain composed and make thoughtful decisions. This ability to stay calm under pressure not only fosters trust but also creates a stable environment for their teams. Humility, on the other hand, allows leaders to own their mistakes, seek feedback, and continuously improve. When leaders demonstrate humility, they create a culture where vulnerability and growth are embraced, empowering their teams to innovate and collaborate without fear of judgment. Together, these traits form the foundation of resilient and inspiring leadership.

Here’s the thing: we’re all human. No one is on point 100% of the time. But leadership isn’t about being perfect. It’s about continual growth and having the courage to admit when you’ve fallen short. Whether at home or in the office, self-regulation and humility are the glue that hold strong leadership together.

In any relationship—whether at home or in the workplace—self-regulation is the key to maintaining balance and harmony. We operate at our best when we are self-regulated. But inevitably, there will be times when one of us becomes dysregulated. In those moments, it’s crucial to remember that the responsibility for managing and navigating back to a regulated state lies with the individual who is struggling.

We cannot own or take responsibility for the behaviors or emotional dysregulation of others. However, as leaders—whether we’re leading a team at work or guiding our family at home—our ability to remain self-regulated becomes a powerful tool. It models this critical life skill for those around us and creates a space where growth can happen.

When someone we lead becomes dysregulated, our calm and centered presence allows us to coach and support them, turning the challenge into a teaching opportunity. With grace and patience, we can help them develop the tools they need to self-regulate in the future. In this way, our leadership not only nurtures their growth but strengthens the relationship as a whole.

The next time someone asks you what makes a great leader, don’t just rattle off the usual traits. Consider the underrated ones. Self-regulation and humility might not get the spotlight, but they’re the unsung heroes of leadership—and they deserve a standing ovation.